The fight for answers

As i said my son was the complete opposite of my second daughter. He didnt sleep, didnt eat. He threw up. He was very sickly. When he was 2 weeks old i had gone to the doctor for the 7th time and told them that something was wrong. They said oh hes fine just needs a new formula because he is having problems. Give him the weekend, this was a Friday, and he will adjust to the new formula and be fine. By Friday night he was pale. I couldnt wake him. He looked terrible. My husband was away for work so i went to my parents, which was 2 hours away with my now 2 year old daughter and asked what they thought. I wanted to believe the doctor but my gut said, no screamed "hospital NOW!" 

So i left my daughter with my parents and took him to the hospital. When we got there they immediately took him and said he was in bad shape. They tried and tried to get an iv in and failed. Finally a nurse was able to, he never cried. He was that lifeless. I hoped i hadnt waited too long. I knew i couldnt lose another child, i just couldnt. Especially one that i had seen smile and fed and held. My husband and i always say the way we lost Alexis was hard but losing her after she was born and we had taken her home wouldve been a million times harder. So they took blood did tests and found nothing. Its a stomach virus they said. So they hydrated him and gave him antibiotics and after a week sent us home. 2 weeks later it would be the same thing and again we got the same answer, "must be a virus." At this point i said no, no one else had been sick, something else was wrong. So i started searching and asking questions and making them do more tests. I felt so bad. His poor little feet had been cut and squeezed for blood so many times they were purple constantly. Finally they found a formula that seemed to help so they said he had a soy and milk allergy. Then he was fine until we started baby food. Baby food was sooo much worse. One time when he was about 7 months old i gave him baby cereal, you know the oatmeal stuff. 2 hours later he was projectile vomiting and he wouldnt stop. Then started the pooping. We were so scared we took him right to the ER. Again they said virus. I said no. Its not stop saying that and fix my child. Fluids and tests and a week later we were home again. Still i kept searching for an answer. I posted on facebook and begged friends and family to share what was happening and help me. When he was 8 months old i had finally hit my breaking point. I asked my boss to put me on night shift so i wouldnt have to call off for my sons vomiting and i stayed with him constantly. I watched him like a hawk. But then he actually did get sick. He got pneumonia and it was bad. After being at the pediatrician i was told to rush him to the ER. His organs were shutting down and he was dying. Honestly until i started writing this i had almost forgotten about how bad it was. He was failure to thrive, he was dying, because he was starving. Because everything that went in came back out within 2 hours. I told the doctors "I AM NOT LEAVING, WE ARE NOT." I wanted answers and if one more doctor told me it was a virus that was causing everything i was going to scream. So 2 weeks in a hospital that had become like a second home i got a message from a stranger on Facebook. It was a reporter that had just written an article about a little girl in a nearby town, a little girl that had an illness that had a lot of the same symptoms my son had. It was very rare and didnt even have a medical code yet, but a friend on facebook had shared my post and she had seen it. She gave me the girls mothers name and told me to call her. I did, what i heard from her was that she had been through the same thing and her research and an allergist had brought her to the conclusion and ultimate diagnosis of her daughters illness, an illness that was about to be my entire world. I told the doctors i wanted whatever test i needed to see if he had the same thing and after a lot of yelling and denial on the doctors part we were sent to an allergist.

So everything is pretty much a blur after getting to the hospital. I do remember the anesthesiologist being very mean. I was of course an emotional crying mess and he was just nasty. I remember getting a medication that made me see things. It was overall a terrible experience but not just because of the fact that i had to give birth to my dead daughter. No that wasn't the worst. The worst was the nurse that instead of asking for help kept digging in my hand and arms for veins until one of my sisters, also a nurse yelled at her and made her get someone else and told them where to put my line in. Then the doctor that didn't give me a choice told me i had to have her..no C-section i would have to push her out...and she was backwards and folded in half and turning her would be too traumatic. Like are you kidding me. I remember my mother and sisters fighting the doctors and yelling at them. I got a high fever and they just gave me more drugs...they induced me, it was a long night. My pain medicine wore off, yeah you would think they would have me higher than a kite to deal with everything, instead they couldn't find the anesthesiologist. I could hear other women in labor with live babies crying because their meds were wearing off as well. So i said help them first when you find someone, nothing will change for me i will deal with the pain, help them have their live babies mine is dead. I hoped that the pain would knock me out. It did. I woke up to my sisters, whom are all except one very worried about germs, sleeping on the hospital floor because they didnt want to leave me. They dropped everything in their lives to be with me and i will never forget that. I will never forget how they were there for me and never left. For my husband it was too much, and i get it he pretty much stayed out of the room until it was time to push. Which is fine i needed him to be strong when i was pushing not while we were waiting for that time. It seems odd, like i should be mad he wasn't with me but I'm not. So the time came to push and it was hard and i cried and my mom cried and my husband cried, and the doctors cried. I will never forget the doctor saying her butt was coming out first and he didn't want to hurt me but he needed help, so another doctor came in to help hold while he pulled her legs out. I remember the horrible sound and feeling of relief that it was over. Just a "pop" and it was done. I asked to see her and they said let us clean her up first. After stitches and cleaning a lady came in at least i think. I cant remember much. I just know she worked for a nonprofit that took pictures of your stillborn child so you would have them and we said yes. Right before they brought her to us they put warmers in her blanket so she would stay warm....i remember looking at her and hoping her eyes would open. I hoped they were wrong, my baby wasn't gone, she couldnt be. I had just felt her move the day before. She looked perfect. And later we would find out she was. Nothing had been wrong with her. For some reason her heart just stopped. That was all the explanation we ever got. Sometimes i think that is the worst part. The not knowing what had happened. The why? was never answered. So we held her and some of our family did as well. I remember saying goodbye was hard but burying her would be worse.
So many people say "i don't know how you did it" "I would never have been able to" You know if someone had asked me while i still felt her move and heard her heartbeat i would have said the same thing. Im not saying it was easy. Im not saying my husband and i didnt struggle with blame toward each other. As i said before my husband wasnt ready for kids yet and he felt robbed and like it was his fault because he wasnt as involved with my pregnancy. I painted my entire house like three times. I cried constantly. I read blogs and joined online support groups. I tried to get my husband involved. I went through a phase of wanting to get pregnant again immediately, but i didn't. I was in a dark place. We both were. I got a bear....a stuffed animal made by a group of women that were helping people deal with loss. It is called Molly Bears. They make bears the same weight as your baby and they add little things to personalize it. I slept with that bear for about a year. It was indescribably hard. But we survived. After almost 2 years we decided to go on vacation and try to have another baby. We knew it would be hard and emotional but i thought as long as i get a boy that will make it easier. I obsessed and got a heart monitor. I went to the doctors constantly and we decided to induce at 39 weeks. When i found out i was having another girl i developed stress-induced diabetes and everyday was a struggle. I didnt want to decorate her room i didnt want to do anything. We did eventually but as that 39 week approached i woke every morning terrified that as i slept she had died. Finally induction of baby girl number 2 came, the doctor scheduled had an emergency and i got a different doctor on call. This i would say was divine intervention. Im not religious at all. I believe in something but i dont believe in one particular God or set of beliefs. So that being said, the doctor ended up being the same one that had delivered our first daughter, Alexis. He saw us and immediately remembered and told me we would have this girl and everything would be fine. The best part was when she finally came, nurse went to take her and the doctor said no just give me a minute, and he held her and cried. We all did. She didnt replace Alexis, no, no one ever will, but still it was a relief. I promised myself even after everything i would not be a hover mom, i would not put her in a bubble no matter what.
After awhile we talked about having another child but i wasnt ready. Well accidents happen. Lol.
So i ended up pregnant again 2 years later. This time a boy so i wasnt as nervous but i still was a little. Everything was fine with my pregnancy no issues other than i couldnt drink coffee or smell it without getting sick. Should've been my first clue that i was about to have a tough time with this baby boy. My  2nd daughter was a perfect baby, good sleeper, good eater. My son on the other hand, well lets just say that losing Alexis prepared me for the fight that was to come with my son. But thats another story.

The Loss

Ok. Now Im going to take you back. Back to December 9, 2010. We woke up in the morning and got dressed and talked about how my husband was going to work, because at this point he had gotten a new job but it was about an hour away and my best friend and i were going to the doctors to convince him to induce me. I didn't feel great but i put on my happy face. My friend talked to me about if i was excited and i wasn't, all while we waited at the doctors office i told her, something is wrong. I couldn't help it i knew something was wrong. Finally it was my turn, the doctor all chipper and said lets check things and all i said was something is wrong. He told me i was fine and everything was fine...then he couldn't find a heartbeat. Then he said sometimes its hard this far along to find it we will go do an ultra sound. That's when the world became soundless. Everyone moved in slow motion. As i laid on the table i closed my eyes and knew she was gone. I barely remember the doctor telling me he was so sorry. I barely remember the sound of my friend crying and trying to comfort me, also the nurses doing the same. I do remember asking the doctor what was next. I do remember telling my friend i was driving home, i do remember texting my husband and telling him to come home so we could go to the hospital. I didn't explain because i didn't want him driving after hearing his daughter was dead. I do remember calling my mom and my one sister and telling her and asking her to tell my other siblings. I do remember holding it together because i knew i had to. When we got back to my house i tore her bedroom apart i threw things i screamed i lost my mind. Then when my husband got home i told him, i told him we were going to the hospital to have our daughter but she wasn't coming home. She wasn't going to have any firsts, we weren't going to see her open her eyes. So we got in the car and we drove to the hospital. And what happened next, was the hardest thing i have ever and will ever have to do...

Life's a roller coaster...or so they say

So after our whirlwind romance and marriage we decided once i finished college and had a job that Spring we would start having kids. But first my childhood pets, 2 dogs one that was my Black lab mut mix "Baby, " the other was my sisters dachshund beagle " Honey Brown," died. Baby was Honey Browns daughter and had just had puppies. Honey Brown was old and full of cancer. One night they both laid down snuggled together and went to sleep. They never got up again, leaving my parents with puppies all of which died but 2. So my sister and I took them.  Then life decided while I worked 30 hours a week + had my last semester of classes and an internship 30 hours a week to through the monkey wrench of pregnancy. So here i am trying to figure out my career and one round of antibiotics later I am pregnant. It was fine though i was happy even if my husband wasn't quite ready. So my best friend and i decorated the baby's room, which ended up being a girl. I was still working a lot at both my internship and real job but my husband had a good job so we were fine. Or so we thought. But you know that's how life goes. It throws you curve balls constantly just to see what you will do. Its like your on a tv show and someone keeps rewriting the script just when you think its going to say the end.
Next curve ball, my husband lost his job. Nothing he did they fired everyone it was a nightmare. I still remember when he called me and told me. I cried to my boss because here i was a recent college graduate pregnant and now the sole breadwinner. It was tough at first but then my internship gave me a job as well so that helped.
Curve ball number 3 came right after that. There were cutbacks at the University I had interned and then worked at and my position was eliminated. To help me out my boss gave me more hours at my other job and let me sit and wear flip-flops when i couldn't fit in my sneakers anymore because of swelling. But for the most part the pregnancy was easy. Until it wasn't. At almost 39 weeks i started feeling horrible...not just uncomfortable but i had a terrible feeling. The Friday before our daughter was born i begged the doctor, however he told me i was just a first time mom and over whelmed and blah blah blah. So that was a Friday...that Wednesday our lives changed for ever.

Livin our love song

So here is where everything changes...for everyone.
Well i graduated from High School and took the plunge to college. After my first year i decided the small town good girl needed a real adventure, so i decided to study abroad for a semester.

5 Months in Madrid, Spain

 19 and all alone in Europe. I was so naive and dumb. I mean its something everyone says when they are older, I don't know how I survived. I didn't have a lot of extra money but i was determined to make the best of it. So lonely visits to Ireland and England were what i got. I walked I hitchhiked. I met people that learned English from watching 
It was exciting. Meeting new people and seeing different sides of places. I didn't travel or study abroad to hang out with other Americans or see all of the regular tourist spots. I wanted to see what the natives loved. I will never forget the feeling of standing in front of Stonehenge. The history and magic of the place was just indescribable.  
But it was lonely. I wanted someone to share it all with. And when i came back to the USA i found that person, my person.

So fast forward we bought a house, got married, rescued 2 dogs and lived happily ever after, the End.
If only. Little did we know that our Happily Ever After was going to be a fight of ups and downs. Yes i know people always say that marriage is hard and everyone struggles but Holy Bananas it has been 10 years and saying it was tough or a struggle seems like one heck of an understatement.

The Beginning

Welcome! I'm new at this so bare with me. Lets start at the beginning, a little background about me and my life. The good, the bad, and the beautiful. I'm not really trying to get anything out of this other than the hope that I can help someone else know that they are not alone and can make it through some of the things I have. See the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak, even if sometimes I can't see it myself.


So here it goes...


I was born in 1988. We have a big family, however its complicated. Pretty much my parents were both married and had 5 kids and then after nasty divorces they met had me and got married. Yes in that order. I always refer to us as the Brady Bunch.









So because of this I have always felt like the outcast. my siblings all have their own issues but mine always seemed to be that i just wanted us to all get along. I wanted all of my siblings to love each other and me and our parents...all of them. So being the youngest I was constantly, once i got older, trying to fix relationships within my family. Which got me hurt more than once, eventually i learned the hard lesson that stubbornness was a family trait and i couldn't fix it so i gave up and focused on my own life. So i would like to think the roller coaster ride of ups and downs with my siblings over the years prepared me for what was to come as i became an adult.


So pretty average childhood other than family drama which we all have. I was really close to one of my sisters growing up because she was the closest to me in age but i wronged her. She got pregnant at the end of senior year of High School and it made me so angry. I thought she had ruined her life, things were so promising for her, she was so smart and i thought my niece being born was the end of all of that. Man was i wrong. I have watched all of my siblings struggle in life in different ways and for different reasons. They fall down and then get right back up again... (https://youtu.be/IFuFm0m2wj0) I always thought i would watch them and know what not to do...maybe its a little mean but i was just riding the ride and checking the info sheet before continuing on my journey. Not that my trip is over not even close but so much has happened. So to all of my siblings, i love you all and know that i have always looked up to all of you and you all taught me how to take punches and how to punch back.






I know, i know story of my life so boring...but just wait it gets more... interesting.