The Loss

Ok. Now Im going to take you back. Back to December 9, 2010. We woke up in the morning and got dressed and talked about how my husband was going to work, because at this point he had gotten a new job but it was about an hour away and my best friend and i were going to the doctors to convince him to induce me. I didn't feel great but i put on my happy face. My friend talked to me about if i was excited and i wasn't, all while we waited at the doctors office i told her, something is wrong. I couldn't help it i knew something was wrong. Finally it was my turn, the doctor all chipper and said lets check things and all i said was something is wrong. He told me i was fine and everything was fine...then he couldn't find a heartbeat. Then he said sometimes its hard this far along to find it we will go do an ultra sound. That's when the world became soundless. Everyone moved in slow motion. As i laid on the table i closed my eyes and knew she was gone. I barely remember the doctor telling me he was so sorry. I barely remember the sound of my friend crying and trying to comfort me, also the nurses doing the same. I do remember asking the doctor what was next. I do remember telling my friend i was driving home, i do remember texting my husband and telling him to come home so we could go to the hospital. I didn't explain because i didn't want him driving after hearing his daughter was dead. I do remember calling my mom and my one sister and telling her and asking her to tell my other siblings. I do remember holding it together because i knew i had to. When we got back to my house i tore her bedroom apart i threw things i screamed i lost my mind. Then when my husband got home i told him, i told him we were going to the hospital to have our daughter but she wasn't coming home. She wasn't going to have any firsts, we weren't going to see her open her eyes. So we got in the car and we drove to the hospital. And what happened next, was the hardest thing i have ever and will ever have to do...